


Apologies

by voasshekh



Category: dan and phil
Genre: Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 02:22:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13917354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voasshekh/pseuds/voasshekh
Summary: I’m sorry...





	Apologies

There was an unexpected simplicity to it. Even as the fear and guilt and panic and every other imaginable emotion threatened to explode out of him, it was simple. He could focus on that. Brush every other thought out of his head for the brief moment that let him concentrate on driving the razor through his skin. They were simple movements. Downward force, letting the blade drift towards him. The cacophony in his head subsided for even the briefest moment as he centered himself on the pain. That was what he deserved... right? It was his fault. 

***

“Dan, I swear I’m okay, stop worrying!”

Dropping the blanket he was holding, Dan backed away from Phil, eyes beginning to dart panicked across the room. 

“I-I’m sorry, I was just try-trying to help,” Dan stuttered nervously, not used to seeing Phil upset. 

“I just had a long day, okay? I get that you want to help but worrying about me when there is nothing wrong is a waste of energy.”

“You-you were upset,” Dan tried to explain, looking desperately for any way to see the soft warmth he was so used to in his best friend’s eyes. “All I wanted was to help.”

“You’re causing stress on yourself for zero reason. I’m okay, I promise. I don’t need protecting. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“So you can worry about me and fuss over me, but I can’t worry about and fuss over you?” Dan couldn’t help but snap, the panic over Phil being upset sinking through his mind. 

“I only worry cause you don’t always do what you should for yourself. You don’t always take care of yourself when you need to.”

“I’m allowed to worry about you, you’re my best friend, dammit! I’d take a bullet for you...” Dan trailed off, turning and rushing from the room before Phil could see the tears in his eyes. 

He didn’t know what to do, he knew he had been overbearing and he knew he’d fucked up but he didn’t know how to fix it. He just wanted his Phil back, his sweet and caring and dorky Phil. The coldness in his tone when he’d shouted at Dan to stop was ringing though Dan’s head, every word in their brief... fight? Was it even a fight?... building into guilt and fear and panic in Dan’s mind. 

He collapsed onto his bed, letting himself cry now that he was alone. He couldn’t think, every time he tried to sort through what happened it got worse, his brain twisting it all into a shout of you fucked up.

He shouldn’t... he’d never...

His arm almost moved of its own accord, reaching to his bedside drawer and grabbing the razor he’d hidden in the back corner with a small towel. 

“I can’t...” he muttered under his breath, his thoughts racing too fast for any of them to make sense. 

He pushed up his pant leg, stopping for a moment to stare at the skin. 

It was like he wasn’t in control of his mind, a small rational part of him screaming to stop but being drowned out by every other part of him shouting do it. 

He rested the blade against his calf, choking out a sob before drawing it towards him. 

The thoughts racing through his head disappeared as pain flooded his thoughts. The cut wasn’t deep but the deep red blood appearing was all he could look at. 

The noise was starting to fade back into his head, shouts of you fucked up, it’s you fault, you broke your promise.

Shit. 

The promise. 

He’d promised. 

He’d promised Phil he wouldn’t do this. That he’d never cut himself. But there he sat, a cut across his leg, his mind at war with itself trying to rationalize whatever the hell he’d just done. 

The razor was back in his fingers, craving the brief escape from his thoughts. Another red line sprung up, deeper than the first. More blood, more pain, more peace. He didn’t care that he was crying, sobbing, he barely even noticed his heaving breaths. The blade carved its way across his calves, tracing its way onto his wrist until he paused. 

Dan... I love you. I know there’s no easy fix and I know me saying this won’t make this go away but please... don’t hurt yourself. Ever. 

I love you too but this isn’t going away. It builds up in my head and I can’t... I can’t do this. 

Promise me you won’t cut yourself. 

I can’t...

For me?

...okay. I promise. For you. 

He’d broken his promise. 

He’d been doing well, been getting better, but he kept fucking up. He couldn’t keep pretending he was okay. He couldn’t keep pretending every day that he wasn’t failing to be who he should have been. He didn’t feel like he was getting better. He only felt like he was getting worse. 

Pain exploded through his wrist, the cuts somehow not getting deep enough so he kept going and kept cutting and kept...

I love you too Phil. I’m sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry...


End file.
